I once took an Anatomy class in high school, so I feel qualified to report back on the new domestic diseases I have discovered in our very own household. The following is my scientific report:
Afflicts: person not typically tasked with grocery shopping
Overview: Manifests as several duplicate products in refrigerators, cupboards or medicine cabinets. Often, a concern that staples have been completely consumed leads to compulsive buying of items like milk, even though gallons of milk already resides in refrigerator. A question of the ocular health of the partner is questioned, often with raised voices. Potentially leads to crying over spilt milk and/or creative uses for milk.
Symptoms: Refrigerator cannot close because of obscene amounts of milk. Milk buyer becomes very defensive about history of purchases.
Prognosis: Curable. Employ a grocery list and observational skills or yelling to assist with food staple overload.
Afflicts: can strike anyone at any time, but is most prevalent in those with full pockets/large purses
Overview: Upon the return of a partner into the home, the partner performs a sort of “Frosty the Snowman”–dropping all of their accessories directly upon entry, and leaving behind a melted version of their body. This can result in a tripping hazard, general disarray and a grouchy co-partner.
Symptoms: wallets, knives, receipts, keys and other items piling up on tables, kitchen islands and other flat, stationary surfaces. CLUTTER DEMONS.0
Prognosis: Curable, with an investment. Requires a catchment device to be implanted in the home (maybe more than one) and repeated therapy to reverse the symptoms.
Afflicts: chief housekeeper
Overview: As visitors to the house advance nearer and nearer, a crippling fear descends over the chief housekeeper. The housekeeper suddenly sees GIANT COBWEBS THAT MUST HAVE SPRANG UP IN THE PAST 20 MINUTES and MIRROR STREAKS THAT REFUSE TO BE VANQUISHED, RENDERING THE MIRROR USELESS. Housekeeper is consumed with the realization that guests will prefer to sleep outside than in the Streaky Spider Cave.
Symptoms: rocking back and forth in the fetal position while holding a Swiffer.
Prognosis: Shaky. May require extensive counseling or hermit-dom.
Bedroom Mirror Syndrome
Afflicts: females and/or metrosexuals
Overview: The female and/or metrosexual appraises her/himself in the mirror each morning and deems the outfit worthy for a public introduction. ”I look dandy,” person says, and confidently exits the dwelling. Then, without fail, as soon as the person arrives at their destination and passes a reflective surface, it goes like this:
“HOW DID I GET SO GREASY?!”
“FRIZZ. SO MUCH FRIZZ.”
“DEODORANT ON MY SHIRT. WHYYYYYYYY!”
And this presentable outfit suddenly slides into hobo territory. Every. Time.
Symptoms: person enters restaurant/office/mall bathroom looking one way and exits looking completely differently and slightly damp
Prognosis: Needs 6-8 weeks of preparation while person test drives new haircut and personal care products
What domestic diseases are you battling in your home that I need to guard myself against?