Upon moving to Wisconsin in December 2010, it appears the entire state has gone berserk.
And I think it’s because of me.
From massive uprisings to a most unfortunate football victory and seemingly impossible natural disasters, this dairy land has been consistently making headlines.
1. CHEESEHEAD RAMPAGE.
This year my most despised football team won the greatest prize in the land for this sport–the Superbowl. Not only did they trample my team (the Chicago Bears) on their way to the title, I was working in retail at the time and had to endure the constant buildup to this beloved holiday and the shameless whooping after the last pass was thrown. “ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH THE GAME?!” “WANT TO SEE MY AARON RODGERS TATTOO IN AN UNMENTIONABLE PLACE?!?!?”
We also almost murdered 47 staggering Cheeseheads who spilled out of the numerous bars on our route home. I believe this would be seen as a public service.
2. TEACHER RAMPAGE
After newly elected governor Scott Walker decided to balance the budget by removing all collective bargaining (union) rights from workers, bedlam broke out from Mauston to Milwaukee. Fueled by bratwurst, thousands of citizens saddled up their cows and moseyed to the Capitol. Apparently frightened by this bovine intervention, the Congressional Democrats fled to a more docile region–Illinois. Forget the Arab Spring–beer country is real revolution! After a legislative loophole was discovered, the bill was passed–but to the present day, it is still in limbo after being sent to the Wisconsin Supreme Court.
3. WEATHER RAMPAGE
I remember distinctly being told by A that we would never experience tornadoes because of our location. Apparently he is a ruthless liar because on May 22, a twister ripped through our lovely city, damaging buildings and homes, just south of our apartment complex. My parents and I had attended my cousin’s beautiful wedding that weekend, and upon our return home had to dodge flooded streets to make it back. Several idiots (probably the aforementioned Packer fans) found themselves marooned in the middle of an unassuming avenue and Toona was whinier than usual. The city is in recovery mode now, with beefy men tossing bricks from the roof of a collapsed building as I drive by, but still shaken after that myth was busted.
I shall keep you posted upon what other wrath I bring down upon my cozy, unassuming place of residence. Stay tuned for locusts.