“hey CAIT. get out of the door hole and give this a hot foot. christ all friday you’re enough to make an old sow eat her pigs.”

As yesterday was Father’s Day, I thought I would share some wisdom/a vocabulary lesson from the mouth of one of the wisest, oddest, most backwards-y caring man on Earth.

MY poppa.

To follow are selections of an essay I wrote for a creative non-fiction class as a junior.  Bask.

(to view the entire essay, click dad.)

A COMPLETE, IMAGINATIVE AND SLIGHTLY VULGAR GUIDE TO LIVING WITH A CANTANKEROUS SENIOR CITIZEN FROM NORTHERN ILLINOIS

*Blasphemy

“Christ all Friday!”

* Perhaps a variation of “Thank God It’s Friday”? Theory under investigation.

* Pronounced “fried-y” (see Daily Operations, “The letter ‘A’ “)

* Unfortunately does not refer to the Savior with a batter coating

“I’ll be goddamn go to hell Harry!”

* Utilized during toe-stubbing, pencil-breaking, cow-chasing

* May be the first phrase of impressionable toddlers

“Jesus Jump to Christ!”

* Unknown meaning

* Often accompanies arms thrown into air

“To hell in a handbasket! Wanna come?!?”

* Used to answer the question, “where are you/we going?”

* Popular retort to quiet inquisitive children

*all blasphemy entries are interchangeable with frustration entries

Intelligence

“Even a blind hog finds an ear of corn eventually.”

*Refers to those who stumble across good fortune without merit.

* Used in debates at the dinner table to deflect valid counterarguments

“If brains were made out of piss, you couldn’t propel a pissant’s motorcycle.”

* Referring to the small amount of urine volume necessary to propel an object of that size

* Variation of, “If brains were made out of piss, you couldn’t.” Interchangeable phrases to promote variety and unpredictability in insults

“You couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”

* Suggesting low cognitive capacity in several ways:

1. Someone who places urine in footwear.

2. Illiterate

3. Someone who cannot harness gravity

* Has equal strength either whispered or shouted. Try at several volumes.

“You’re normal. Not very bright, but normal.”

* Softhearted sentiment

* Great for loved ones, especially twenty-year-old females who are experiencing one bizarre relationship failure after another

Karma

 “I ain’t had this much fun since the old lady puked and I fell in it.”

* Sarcasm

* Best coupled with deadpan voice and unfocused gaze.

“I’m so lucky I could fall down in an acre of tits and come up sucking my thumb.

* Comedic irony.

* Comedic imagery.

* Not the best idea to share with son’s new fiancee.

Happy Father’s Day, pops.  Keep ’em coming.

-c

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3 thoughts on ““hey CAIT. get out of the door hole and give this a hot foot. christ all friday you’re enough to make an old sow eat her pigs.”

  1. Wendi June 20, 2011 / 9:14 pm

    Oh, my goodness—does your dad have a blog? Please say “yes.”

    • domesticait June 21, 2011 / 9:33 am

      afraid not.
      i was on the phone with him once while he was surfing the internet. he was getting ENRAGED when the cursor wasn’t moving … then realized he was trying to use the remote to navigate the website.

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