To follow are selections of an essay I wrote for a creative non-fiction class as a junior. Bask.
(to view the entire essay, click dad.)
A COMPLETE, IMAGINATIVE AND SLIGHTLY VULGAR GUIDE TO LIVING WITH A CANTANKEROUS SENIOR CITIZEN FROM NORTHERN ILLINOIS
“Christ all Friday!”
* Perhaps a variation of “Thank God It’s Friday”? Theory under investigation.
* Pronounced “fried-y” (see Daily Operations, “The letter ‘A’ “)
* Unfortunately does not refer to the Savior with a batter coating
“I’ll be goddamn go to hell Harry!”
* Utilized during toe-stubbing, pencil-breaking, cow-chasing
* May be the first phrase of impressionable toddlers
“Jesus Jump to Christ!”
* Unknown meaning
* Often accompanies arms thrown into air
“To hell in a handbasket! Wanna come?!?”
* Used to answer the question, “where are you/we going?”
* Popular retort to quiet inquisitive children
*all blasphemy entries are interchangeable with frustration entries
“Even a blind hog finds an ear of corn eventually.”
*Refers to those who stumble across good fortune without merit.
* Used in debates at the dinner table to deflect valid counterarguments
“If brains were made out of piss, you couldn’t propel a pissant’s motorcycle.”
* Referring to the small amount of urine volume necessary to propel an object of that size
* Variation of, “If brains were made out of piss, you couldn’t.” Interchangeable phrases to promote variety and unpredictability in insults
“You couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”
* Suggesting low cognitive capacity in several ways:
1. Someone who places urine in footwear.
3. Someone who cannot harness gravity
* Has equal strength either whispered or shouted. Try at several volumes.
“You’re normal. Not very bright, but normal.”
* Softhearted sentiment
* Great for loved ones, especially twenty-year-old females who are experiencing one bizarre relationship failure after another
“I ain’t had this much fun since the old lady puked and I fell in it.”
* Best coupled with deadpan voice and unfocused gaze.
“I’m so lucky I could fall down in an acre of tits and come up sucking my thumb.
* Comedic irony.
* Comedic imagery.
* Not the best idea to share with son’s new fiancee.
Happy Father’s Day, pops. Keep ’em coming.