raise your hand if you never want to work at a call center ….


Everyone seemingly has them, enjoys them, makes love to them.

Except for me.  Because they are expensive.

After talking to a guy at the daily newspaper I write for on occasion (who is much more savvy and “with it”), he told me employees received a sizable (in my mind) refund on our monthly phone bill.

“HOT DOG!” said the thought bubble erupting from my head.  “I’ll finally be cool like the other kids!  Maybe I’ll finally be able to get some jelly sandals and Crayola markers instead of those BS Roseart ones!!”

After we did a bit of research last weekend, A and I quickly discovered the refund granted by the company would not go very far.

As in, less than one third of the total MONTHLY payment.

Because it’s not just text or phone minutes anymore, you see.  You have to buy data plans and life insurance and surcharge suppositories and onesies to clad the smartphone in.  While others were apparently aware of these choices, I had a very rude awakening.  You can LITERALLY LEASE A CAR for the amount it would cost to put two smartphones on a reasonable plan.  I was disturbed … A was curious.

My forward-thinking husband-to-be hopped on a live chat with a cell phone provider representative (which rhymes with … BERIZON).  She was a painfully slow typer, so she was either on Facebook while chatting with us, did not speak English or had no fingers.  We asked her a few questions, and then A proceeded to screw with her.  Love that guy.

(A’s inquiries are genuine.  Shawna could not be reached to validate her responses.)

Shawna No Fingers: Berizon appreciates your interest in our company.

A: Can you explain your smartphone plans?

Shawna I”m Really a nine-year-old Taiwanese: Well, you need to buy the phone for $500, unless you have just been born and therefore never had a contract before, then it’s FREE but only if you were born via midwife.  Then you have to fork over money for surcharges and subcharges and discharges.  Finally, the only plans you can choose from are ones you don’t need.  Did I answer your question?

A: WOW these things are expensive! Will they clean my apartment too?

Shawna Can’t Take a Joke: No sir, they will not.  But they will liquidate your life’s savings.

A: Do you have a smartphone?

Shawna is a Toddler: yes I do.  It is very intelligent and I actually rarely make calls on it.

A: Did you have to sell a kidney?  I bet you sold a kidney.

Shawna’s Bloody Stumps: Berizon is experiencing a kidney surplus.  We are also not interested in other vestigial organs, such as the spleen, appendix or financial responsibility portion of your brain.


I think we have given up on smartphones … for now.  But I am always interested in how the other half lives.  If you have a smartphone, how do you do it?  Did it involve refinancing your home or selling a child or replacing your clothing with “barrel chic”?

I’m all ears … since no one talks on their phone anymore anyway.


One thought on “raise your hand if you never want to work at a call center ….

  1. Mom October 20, 2011 / 9:09 am

    I do not have a smart phone since I could not afford the waxy discharge charge. It is amazing to me, who sits at a computer ALL DAY, why people want to carry one with them. Don’t you want to experience the world at all? Just see it through a 6 inch screen? Oy.
    I need a phone to make calls and text my children who do not answer the phone or listen to their voice mail – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

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