Since our marriage in November, various people I encounter in my daily life ask me about how the shackling has gone so far.
“Sooooooooooo. HOW’S MARRIED LIFE????”
This presents two issues:
1. Small talk is awkward.
2. Small talk about someone’s intimate life is AWKWARD.
These are mostly people I see at a city hall or in an elementary school, so deciding on appropriate topics regarding my life as a Mrs. results in rapid mind gymnastics and a lots of “UHHHHHHs” as the other party waits for something sentimental, or witty, or dirty … I’m not exactly sure yet.
I feel like it’s so much easier for men, because they can just talk about their crazy wife that has crazy demands that she can assert in a crazy way because she’s now officially “the ‘ol lady.” And the other guys can nod sagely and offer a tender tap on the shoulder and say, “right-o,” or whatever Midwestern guys say.
Usually I reply with the utterly safe, “He’s wonderful,” or, “He does the dishes and I dirty them,” or “I’m learning the slow cooker and he reaches things on the tall shelf.” To me, these answers show PARTNERSHIP and LOVE and COMMITMENT … and not at all that I often wake up in the middle of the night wanting to explain some of my nightmares to my poor husband. The asker then leaves with a soft chuckle, seemingly satisfied that they have fulfilled their obligation for small talk.
I, on the other hand, am always thrilled that one of these answers did not pop out:
- “Why … do you have something in mind? He’s at work until four and if you have to jump out the window you probably won’t break anything.”
- “Just waiting on the right time … for life insurance … KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING???”
- “Better than a swift kick in the teat, I suppose.”
- “We got matching tattoos, want to see?!?! No, not there.”
- “Do you ask because we are a bi-racial couple?!?! How dare you! … haters going to hate.”
- “Lasting longer than Kim Kardashian’s, so that makes it a success, right?”
- “Are you asking me about boinking, mayor?”
- “Well I didn’t marry the hopeful transsexual or the convict or the overgrown Man-Boy or the guy that may have autism or the weird one that thinks he’s a vampire … so I think we’re doing fine!”
- “He just REEEAAAALLLY wanted to be an American.”
- We’re just biding our time until The Rapture. No one can resist a two-for-one deal!”
For all of my engaged friends, prepare yourself for this question. And you can borrow any of these … I don’t mind.
Any I missed? I’m sure I’ll need more in my arsenal.