you want me to talk about sex, don’t you?

Since our marriage in November, various people I encounter in my daily life ask me about how the shackling has gone so far.

“Sooooooooooo.  HOW’S MARRIED LIFE????”

This presents two issues:

1. Small talk is awkward.

2. Small talk about someone’s intimate life is AWKWARD.

These are mostly people I see at a city hall or in an elementary school, so deciding on appropriate topics regarding my life as a Mrs. results in rapid mind gymnastics and a lots of “UHHHHHHs” as the other party waits for something sentimental, or witty, or dirty … I’m not exactly sure yet.

I feel like it’s so much easier for men, because they can just talk about their crazy wife that has crazy demands that she can assert in a crazy way because she’s  now officially “the ‘ol lady.”  And the other guys can nod sagely and offer a tender tap on the shoulder and say, “right-o,”  or whatever Midwestern guys say.

Usually I reply with the utterly safe, “He’s wonderful,” or, “He does the dishes and I dirty them,” or “I’m learning the slow cooker and he reaches things on the tall shelf.”   To me, these answers show PARTNERSHIP and LOVE and COMMITMENT … and not at all that I often wake up in the middle of the night wanting to explain some of my nightmares to my poor husband.  The asker then leaves with a soft chuckle, seemingly satisfied that they have fulfilled their obligation for small talk.

I, on the other hand, am always thrilled that one of these answers did not pop out:

  •  “Why … do you have something in mind?  He’s at work until four and if you have to jump out the window you probably won’t break anything.”
  •  “Just waiting on the right time … for life insurance …  KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING???”
  •  “Better than a swift kick in the teat, I suppose.”
  • “We got matching tattoos, want to see?!?!  No, not there.”
  •  “Do you ask because we are a bi-racial couple?!?!  How dare you!   … haters going to hate.”
  •  “Lasting longer than Kim Kardashian’s, so that makes it a success, right?” 
  • “Are you asking me about boinking, mayor?”
  • “Well I didn’t marry the hopeful transsexual or the convict or the overgrown Man-Boy or the guy that may have autism or the weird one that thinks he’s a vampire … so I think we’re doing fine!”
  • “He just REEEAAAALLLY wanted to be an American.”
  • We’re just biding our time until The Rapture.  No one can resist a two-for-one deal!”

For all of my engaged friends, prepare yourself for this question.  And you can borrow any of these … I don’t mind.

Any I missed?  I’m sure I’ll need more in my arsenal.

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