Hold onto your size 6 sneakers, people. America, nay, THE WORLD, has declared a war on the small fries, short stacks and “shawties” who dwell on this Earth.
An episode of NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” last week featured the segment “The Problem with Pennies.” One, probably mammoth, commentator from Newsday.com fired off a giant, towering op-ed that rallied the lanky masses to once and for all eliminate everyone’s favorite copper coin, and eventually, all of us delightful citizens who stand in the front row of photos.
Canada has already made the disturbing move to eliminate the penny, saying they will be eventually phased out, until the entire country rounds up their prices. But, it’s Canada, so few people really care.
Mr. Daniel Akst, who is probably 7 feet tall, wrote this humongous article and stated the penny has become worthless and obsolete, costing more to manufacture than it is worth. PISHAW ON YOUR NUMBERS, AKST!
Several petite callers responded to his big-and-tall ideas, saying the penny is useful for teaching children the value of money or, for one commission-only used car salesman, a few pennies may be the only money he receives all day as he plucks them out of a sticky cup holder.
THINK OF THE USED CAR SALESMEN! THEY ARE ALL ABOUT FOUR FEET TALL!
But no, Mr. Akst continued his microphobic tirade saying that you should not think of tiny children or salesmen when considering what is best for the economy, but rather what makes
cents sense. Then he used his size 16 shoe and pushed little Timmy down the proverbial slide.
But au contraire, Akst the height-elitist, according to the Disabled World website (isn’t your face red NOW, Mr. Akst!), the average height for an American man is 5 feet, 10 inches and for women, 5 feet, 4 inches. As a lass of exactly average height for an American woman, I must say, it looks like we live in a nation of sweet petites. What do you say about THAT, sir?
Even before this latest assault on the average, we accepted the degradation of our smallest and most adorable planet, Pluto, in 2006.
“Pluto is dead,” said Caltech researcher Mike Brown, as quoted in the article: “Pluto Demoted: No Longer a Planet in Highly Controversial Definition” on the Space.com website.
Brown, who joins Akst in the 8-foot-tall club, uses horrifying language when discussing this dear, tender planet that had served us well for so many years. What difference did it make to use your meaty foot to stomp all over the little guy? HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT? Probably on extra-long sheets, I reckon.
Without pennies or Pluto, our very American vernacular will, and has, changed irrevocably. How much will our thoughts cost? When remembering the planets, My Very Excellent Mother Just Made Us Nine …. what? We would have to change the mnemonic device to: Maiming Virus Erases Many Joyful Monkeys Under Neptune. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, BIGGIES?!?!
If you love America, you will stop the systematic shrinking of the tiny, but important aspects of our popular culture. What’s next? Little Debbies?
So let your voices be heard, fellow short stuffs! But first, grab a ladder.