what to expect when you are trusted with a marquee

I was driving back from a tense meeting this morning when I saw THIS on the way back to the office.


So, of course, I whipped a U-turn and pulled into a stranger’s driveway in order to get a quick shot of this marquee.  Like anyone would do.

Maybe it’s just me, but when I see a marquee outside of a business, I impulsively read almost all of them.  I can fondly recall some of the clever ones I’ve seen, and also some of the strangely dirty ones … “Let us dip your cone,” anyone?

Therefore, I get unreasonably judge-y when I see a marquee changer not take the FOUR SECONDS to look up how to spell “valley”, or refresh their memory on homophones, and proclaim this decision to the world.

Does this make me a finicky wiener?  Almost definitely.

But when I see a large, customizable sign outside of a restaurant shouting “CHOCOLATE DIPPED CONES NOW HIRING,” I have an irrepressible urge to do one of two things:

1. Shimmy up the pole and adjust the letters/punctuation myself


2. Loudly discuss the mental picture I immediately conjure of a self confident ice cream treat asking a pimply teenager, “Tell me about a time when you appropriately dealt with conflict, and make it quick because I’m melting.”

Recently, I saw a sign outside of a nice Italian restaurant that said, “We Deliver Outdoor Seating.”   I daydreamed about bursting in there and demanding some tasteful lawn furniture every time I passed it over the next several days.

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have never been trusted with the awesome responsibility of changing a marquee. But I feel like we need to change the culture to embrace the weighty importance that this chore truly carries.  The humble marquee proclaims your latest specials to all passersby, and tells a little bit about the wit and intelligence of those employed at your establishment, and those who choose to frequent your drive-thru.

“no, thank YOU Pizza Ranch, for your delectable cactus bread.”–JC

But do not despair, readers.  I have concocted a few ideas to help this problem:

1. Shock Collars.

The next time a dopey employee wields their magnetic marquee stick, poised to advertise the “surpreme expresso”, the doofus will be rattled, thus, dropping the stick and saving all of the twitchy drivers like myself.

2. Tiny elementary school teachers

No one is using the Shrinky Dinks technology anymore right?  It’s 2012, I feel like if we can make a taco shell out of Doritos, we can shrink some of these heroes and put them in the pockets of the grammar-averse to remind them of the knowledge they pushed out when they made room for the dos and don’ts of keg stands.  The teeny teachers can also have shock collars.

3. Dictionaries.






4 thoughts on “what to expect when you are trusted with a marquee

  1. bairloch July 16, 2012 / 6:57 pm

    I drive by Du ty’s Tire Service every day on my way to work. Its been like that for more than a year now. Its an S people! You even have one at the back there! You can use the apostrophe correctly but can’t find another S?

  2. Steph July 16, 2012 / 6:12 pm

    My personal favorite: a flower delivery van I saw in Louisiana that said “We speak English” and beneath that: “We Delivery” 🙂

    • domesticait September 13, 2012 / 5:31 pm

      that’s … Louisiana. but who am i to talk? I was just told my state’s name is actually an acronym for “Idiots Out Wandering Around”

  3. Mom July 16, 2012 / 3:29 pm

    I enjoyed this one but must admit to looking for an error. Can’t tell where you get your phobias, can you?

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