I am a weeper. A sniffly, rolling heavily down the cheeks, trying to hold it in and making grotesque gulping noises TEAR FACTORY. So when the holidays roll around, it’s a miracle that the tears are not perma-frosted to my face from about Thanksgiving on.
One of the worst offenders for me and my hair-trigger cry mode are CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS. Think about it: you’re just innocently watching something educational on the Discovery Channel or spelling bees and then KER-BLAM!
PEOPLE IN LOVE GIVING EACH OTHER JEWELRY!
ADORABLE POLAR BEAR FAMILIES!
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DANCING AROUND IN GAP CLOTHING!
Right in the ho-ho-heartstrings.
For the last few years, we have not had cable–but because I am a masochist, I decided to look up some of the most
traumatizing sentimental Christmas commercials I can remember.
Campbell’s Soup Snowman Boy
This one should probably make me ponder this boy’s neglectful parents and his probable devastating frostbite, or the damage to the floors from his gallons of snowfall, but instead, I think about the times where I felt like a little snow child in need of a good melting: getting an overzealous push down the sledding hill in our yard and sliding under the trucks parked in the driveway or setting up a ladder in a snow drift and jumping off of the ladder into the lawn ….
It was such an innocent time, when this commercial debuted, a time that said nothing soothes the feelings of mild injury at the hands of your family members like a bowl of soup that is as salty as your tears.
Hershey’s Kisses: “Carol of the Bells”
This one appears to be short, sweet and not overtly sentimental. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE. Every time I hear this one I am transported to my childhood home, with the yards of gold Christmas tinsel garland enveloping our warm kitchen that was filled with my many family members, and any other random person who happened to gather there. Then, I remember that was 15 years ago and I’m a wife now and THAT KITCHEN WAS SO WONDERFUL and that garland doesn’t exist anymore and then we arrive at the ugly cry.
Kleenex: Let it Out
This one is not a Christmas commercial necessarily, but I felt like it belonged here anyway. Because CHRISTMAS SHOULD BE IN YOUR HEART YEAR ROUND YOU GUYS.
Plus, look at that screen shot! Man tears are my Kryptonite.
I …. I can’t watch this one. Discuss among yourselves.
Folgers: Peter Comes Home For Christmas
This one is TRAUMATIZING. It may be on par with damn Sarah McLachlan and her damn sad pet commercials where I just yell loudly until someone changes the channel.
This thing is legitimately older than I am, so it is safe to say that this damn commercial has plagued my MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Not only is it just SENTIMENTAL OVERLOAD but this art imitated life a little too closely when my brother was in college in Texas, while we were in Wisconsin. I was about eight years old and missed him so much I would almost make myself sick with excitement waiting for him to come home. So, in the interim, this commercial, with the son returning home and the little sister and the joyful reunion was there to DESTROY ME.
So, Mom, if you’re reading this, excuse yourself now to get a Shamwow for your tears or something, because you are worse with this one than I am.
multiplied by the weight of a dying star and a fever dream
So there you have it, chitluns. May you have a very happy holiday season, and may you rejoice in the fact that these sinister vehicles of swift holiday blubbering will soon be put away … for another year.
Now all we have to get through is the END OF THE YEAR MONTAGES. But, that will be another post.