Ways that A reminds me he is foreign
1. A: “That car looks like that Mystery Vehicle. Mystery … Van. You know?”
Me: “Are you trying to say, Mystery Machine?”
2. “Oh! I thought that was a kangaroo in the ditch.”
3. “Honey, are you okay? Do you need some goofballs?”
4. “Hooome! Home on the raaaange! Where the buffalos roaaaam!”
5. A: “When is the Superbowl?”
Me: “This weekend.”
A: “I know, but, which day?”
Million-Dollar Ideas in Need of an Investor
1. “Luck of the Amish” — Casino, maybe? We can springboard off of the popularity of “Amish Mafia.” And! instead of poker chips you get zippers. PRICELESS.
2. “Booze and Bouche” — Restaurant that serves copious amounts of alcohol and tiny, bite-sized food. BRILLIANT.
3. An implement or substance that removes snow and/or ice from sidewalks and roads. This appears to not be invented yet.
4. That’s all. I have few million-dollar ideas, but what I do have are MIGHTY FINE IDEAS.
Shows I have started watching on Netflix
1. Profiles of people eating dryer sheets/rocks/drywall and who are addicted to their pillows, teddy bears and taxidermy.
2. Profiles of relationships that end in MURDER.
3. “My Little Pony–Friendship is Magic”
Things that have been shouted in our home during the past week
1. That … looks like CELERY.
2.STOP TAKING ADVICE FROM A MAN NAMED CATFISH.
3. Use. the. SOAP SAVER. SAVE OUR SOAP.
4. Are you watching “Extreme Couponing AGAIN?! You make it so hard to LIKE YOU SOMETIMES.
5. THE CAT DOES NOT NEED TO SLEEP IN OUR BED. HE WILL GIVE UP.
Weird things I did at work in the last few days
1. Delivered food to people while wearing an official Culver’s apron and coat
2. Explained to a woman that I could not fix her furnace.
3. Promoted National Peanut Butter Day.
4. Described someone as “a bowl of oatmeal with legs”
5. Met the governor.
Potential Valentine’s gifts for A
2. Slippers: because he is an old man who carries them everywhere
3. Tie Tack: so he can stop whining at me about his tie falling into various substances at social events
What A wants for Valentine’s Day
1. “I think the real question is what do YOU want for Valentine’s Day? What? It’s for your blog? So MY WANTS ARE NOW FUNNY TO YOU? Why don’t you just put down “guns and ammo” then. That should elicit some laughs from your audience.”
2. “Valentine’s Day is not for guys.”
3. Apparently, he wants a kick in the ass.