There may still be a YouTube video of me from a few years ago of my brother attempting to wake me up. I am slumbering peacefully, looking not-so-feminine, when he prods me awake once, then again. He finally succeeds in rousing this she-beast, who thrashes and groans like a rabid wolverine.
Now you can see why I’m married.
I recently realized that I travel through a familiar five stages each time I wake up:
Denial–Is that my alarm? Must be a mistake … I just went to sleep an hour ago …
Anger–WHY DOES MORNING EXIST.
Bargaining–I can snooze for another 10 minutes … I don’t have to dry my hair … Maybe the dog will do her business really quickly … I bet traffic is really light today …
Depression–I HAVE SLEPT TOO LONG AND NOW I HATE MYSELF.
Acceptance–I suppose I have to be a person today.
Cut to an hour later, and I am squealing in to the parking lot of two wheels, five minutes past when I’m supposed to be there.
I turned to scholarly research to help me understand how I can become a morning person. The following gems kept showing up in article after article:
1. Go to bed earlier. (genius)
2. Wake up at a consistent time, even on the weekends. (impossible)
3. Go for a run immediately after waking up. (seriously)
4. Blast yourself with bright light first thing in the morning. (SERIOUSLY)
If I’m ever going to wake up early enough to get to work on time, I’m going to need some real, human advice. Does anyone else struggle with mornings? Do any “morning people” have any pointers on how they manage to gleefully pop out of bed each morning?
And if anyone needs napping tips, I am world-class.