Over the past few months, my free time has been mostly taken up with obsessing about getting a promotion and also jumping back into the dark, murky, bottomless, frightening, angler fish-ridden world of dating.
So basically, my free time has been mostly taken up with different kinds of shaking it.
Thus, I have compiled a list of things not to do/say when you find yourself in an interview or on a first date. You can play along and decide which ones actually happened on a date and which actually happened on a job interview. The real lesson here though guys, is that all of these actually happened. And I did get a promotion. (The whole guy thing is definitely a work in progress, however.)
THINGS NOT TO SAY/DO ON A DATE/JOB INTERVIEW
1. Him: “You’re crazy pretty.”
Me: “Awww that’s so nice! Most people just stop at crazy.”
2. Literally this:
3. Grab the steering wheel from someone when they go to reach for their phone while driving.
4. Force the conversation to cease and have a Billy Graham-esque, hand-raising moment when someone mentions that THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT CHEESE CURDS ARE.
5. Say “no, you’re wrong” and then proceed to Google fact-check things like who sang “Hungry Like the Wolf”, while in the middle of dinner.
6. Beat the shit out of your companion at every arcade game (or maybe yes, do that).
7. Feminist rants.
8. Tell the story about how you slept in the bus terminal at O’Hare Airport with your valuables shoved in your pants because the Tuna Can Express BS airline out of Mason City decided to cancel all flights for three days.
9. Tell the story about how your Dad says inappropriate things and then give examples.
10. Tell the story about how one first date you went on involved Batman and McDonald’s and you didn’t realize Batman wasn’t really a superhero because he doesn’t turn into a bat and then you didn’t date that guy again for two years but then you married him.
11. Say, “ok, gimme” to a guy and he gets confused because he thinks you’re coming on to him really aggressively but really you just want to show him how to use his remote start.
12. Make them watch the live feed of your babies at doggie daycare.
Trust me … there will be more to come! I have horrifying tales from online dating and I am literally driving across the country in a moving van with two content doggies and a cat who will not see this coming. Subscribe to follow along!