Hour 0: I knew the waves were high today, but I didn’t think I was going to get drenched during a leisurely visit to our favorite beach. Both myself, the dogs and my elderly phone are all a little soggy. Three of those individuals are not happy about this. I do not own any rice, so I’ll just take it apart and let it dry out. This gadget has been with me for 2.5 years … through a cross-country move and numerous snowbanks and tens of thousands of viewings of Baby Pandas on Slides and daily tumbles from my hand. It will live through this too.
Hour 1: Like an insensitive impression of our Lord and Savior, this thing keeps dying and coming back to life. With half-hearted buzzing. Rushed off to Verizon in my jim-jams to see if they would be open/take pity on me. No luck. (It’s 8 p.m. on a Sunday.) I’ll just let it sleep overnight and try it in the morning.
Hour 2: I don’t have any Netflix or music to keep me company while I sweep floors! I WOULD CALL FOR HELP BUT I CAN’T.
Hour 3: HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO WAKE UP. Oh, right — this clock radio I have, probably older than I am and given to me by my parents as an NPR-machine, will have to do … I don’t know any of the local frequencies, so I’m going to hope this jazzy number I just caught is NPR. Goodnight world.
Hour 10: WAS NOT NPR. WAS CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN. NEVER GOT OUT OF BED SO FAST IN MY LIFE.
Hour 10.5: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO WHILE WALKING THE DOG?! MY THOUGHTS?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?
Hour 11: Kept NPR on while getting ready. First time I have listened to NPR since the divorce, because I was not emotionally stable enough to listen to the news. Thanks, 2016.
UPDATE: News in 2017 isn’t better.
Hour 12: Driving to work and have to listen to radio again. I don’t know any stations here but WOW MARIACHI MUSIC IS POPULAR.
Hour 15: Have to explain to Boss why I need to run to Verizon. He is smirking. Probably 50% because of my phone’s mermaid aspirations and 50% because I now have to go to Verizon Purgatory.
Hour 16: Walk into Verizon and am greeted by the guy whose ENTIRE JOB is to enter people into a queue. He cannot help, he just writes your name down. HOW. WHY. WTF.
Hour 16.25: Still waiting for someone to help me. Two people (Entrance Tablet Guy and Behind Counter Guy?) apparently are not able to assist customers … ??!?!?!? *smoke starts to pour from ears*
Hour 16.30: Antonio has the misfortune of waiting on IMPATIENT CAIT WHO HAS BEEN WITHOUT PHONE FOR 16.30 HOURS. His eyes instantly glaze over as he shares the benefits of various phones. I attempt to hack into his programming to tell him I’m not really interested in indentured servitude to my smartphone, but have little success. Start to twitch. Start to worry that I am becoming this “When Harry Met Sally” quote:
Finally, he takes a closer look at my account and sees I have insurance! BING BANG BOOM new phone is in the mail.
Hour 17: Decide to press my luck and ask Dead-Eyed Verizon Rep to check for a new case for my phone. Only qualifications? It needs to be cute and needs to tolerate being dropped literally every day.
- Using my phone as an alarm may not be a good idea. Contemporary Christian blaring from the kitchen is far more effective.
- Kinda peaceful not getting weird messages from Internet Strangers (see Exhibit A).
- Being alone with my thoughts/Morning Edition is a scary place.
- Thanks to Wasband for investing in insurance two years ago, I get a spanking-new, upgraded phone for $100. Not bad.
- Phone is getting overnighted and I had to resist asking the rep, “IS THERE ANYTHING FASTER.”
- Not having a phone means not having work email/calculator/work calendar/Panda Videos/ability to text nonsense stream-of-consciousness thoughts to loved ones (see Exhibit B)
- OH MY GOD WHAT TIME IS IT.
Until next time (but don’t text me)-