Dispatches from the Edge: Hour 17 without phone

Hour 0:  I knew the waves were high today, but I didn’t think I was going to get drenched during a leisurely visit to our favorite beach.  Both myself, the dogs and my elderly phone are all a little soggy.  Three of those individuals are not happy about this.  I do not own any rice, so I’ll just take it apart and let it dry out.  This gadget has been with me for 2.5 years … through a cross-country move and numerous snowbanks and tens of thousands of viewings of Baby Pandas on Slides and daily tumbles from my hand.  It will live through this too.

Hour 1:  Like an insensitive impression of our Lord and Savior, this thing keeps dying and coming back to life.  With half-hearted buzzing.  Rushed off to Verizon in my jim-jams to see if they would be open/take pity on me.  No luck.  (It’s 8 p.m. on a Sunday.)  I’ll just let it sleep overnight and try it in the morning.

Hour 2: I don’t have any Netflix or music to keep me company while I sweep floors!  I WOULD CALL FOR HELP BUT I CAN’T.

Hour 3:  HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO WAKE UP.  Oh, right — this clock radio I have, probably older than I am and given to me by my parents as an NPR-machine, will have to do …  I don’t know any of the local frequencies, so I’m going to hope this jazzy number I just caught is NPR.  Goodnight world.

Hour 10: WAS NOT NPR.  WAS CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN.  NEVER GOT OUT OF BED SO FAST IN MY LIFE.

Hour 10.5: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO WHILE WALKING THE DOG?!  MY THOUGHTS?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?

Hour 11: Kept NPR on while getting ready.  First time I have listened to NPR since the divorce, because I was not emotionally stable enough to listen to the news.  Thanks, 2016.

UPDATE: News in 2017 isn’t better.

Hour 12: Driving to work and have to listen to radio again.  I don’t know any stations here but WOW MARIACHI MUSIC IS POPULAR.

Hour 15: Have to explain to Boss why I need to run to Verizon.  He is smirking.  Probably 50% because of my phone’s mermaid aspirations and 50% because I now have to go to Verizon Purgatory.

Hour 16: Walk into Verizon and am greeted by the guy whose ENTIRE JOB is to enter people into a queue.  He cannot help, he just writes your name down.  HOW.  WHY.  WTF.

Hour 16.25: Still waiting for someone to help me.  Two people (Entrance Tablet Guy and Behind Counter Guy?) apparently are not able to assist customers … ??!?!?!?  *smoke starts to pour from ears*

Hour 16.30: Antonio has the misfortune of waiting on IMPATIENT CAIT WHO HAS BEEN WITHOUT PHONE FOR 16.30 HOURS.  His eyes instantly glaze over as he shares the benefits of various phones.  I attempt to hack into his programming to tell him I’m not really interested in indentured servitude to my smartphone, but have little success.  Start to twitch.  Start to worry that I am becoming this “When Harry Met Sally” quote:

12-02-When-Harry-Met-Sally-quotes

Finally, he takes a closer look at my account and sees I have insurance!  BING BANG BOOM new phone is in the mail.

Hour 17: Decide to press my luck and ask Dead-Eyed Verizon Rep to check for a new case for my phone.  Only qualifications?   It needs to be cute and needs to tolerate being dropped literally every day.

Conclusions:

  1. Using my phone as an alarm may not be a good idea.  Contemporary Christian blaring from the kitchen is far more effective.
  2. Kinda peaceful not getting weird messages from Internet Strangers (see Exhibit A).

    rat
    Exhibit A
  3. Being alone with my thoughts/Morning Edition is a scary place.
  4. Thanks to Wasband for investing in insurance two years ago, I get a spanking-new, upgraded phone for $100.  Not bad.
  5. Phone is getting overnighted and I had to resist asking the rep, “IS THERE ANYTHING FASTER.”
  6. Not having a phone means not having work email/calculator/work calendar/Panda Videos/ability to text nonsense stream-of-consciousness thoughts to loved ones (see Exhibit B)

    tumblr_o7bxv0kMJ61um61dko1_500
    Exhibit B
  7. OH MY GOD WHAT TIME IS IT.

Until next time (but don’t text me)-

c

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