Because SUGAR is my personal brand, every boy person of any significance over the last year has left ice cream in my freezer.
I say “left” because I moved a few days ago and pitched the remaining delicious frozen evidence of these men.
I say “boy person of any significance” because once you’ve been married, the thought of “boyfriend” seems repugnant, regressive and remote.
So in the interest of saying goodbye to this apartment and my first year in California, and in a strange homage to my meandering dating life, I present: 2017 Boy Persons of Significance as Depicted in Dairy.
J: Southern Butter Pecan Gelato
J was the first guy I dated for any length of time when I first moved to California. He was a software engineer in the Silicon Valley who surfed in his spare time, so I think I successfully hit every stereotype right away.
One night I made dinner for us and he brought me flowers and the gelato. I had just moved in to my place, so I had no vase for the bouquet and set it on the floor in my empty bedroom. A fellow animal lover, he chose that flavor because it could theoretically be safely shared with my pets as well. I never ate more of the gelato after that night (and the pets didn’t get any either).
We spent most of our free time together for about a month, exploring Santa Cruz, drinking cocktails outside. He was the perfect person to show me around the Central Coast in my first month of residence. It fizzled out for the most Californian of reasons: traffic.
S: Organic Pineapple Popsicles
S also did nonprofit work, which was fabulous. He also had a habit of wearing cargo pants and tie-dye, which was not.
A passionate environmentalist, S got me eating vegetarian meals, playing frisbee golf and hiking up mountains. He obsessed about the San Diego Padres, was committed to conspiracy theories and had the most wonderful group of friends. I successfully threw him a surprise going away dinner on his last weekend in town and it was one of my favorite nights in California so far.
When I suggested he contribute dessert after I made us dinner one night, he arrived with these popsicles (and also flowers, so I clearly should request dessert more often). Honestly, I was hoping for one of those decadent Sara Lee cheesecakes from the freezer section but I should have known better. Hippies.
I knew from the start he was going to follow his nonprofit career to the Bay Area so this was short-lived. I think I ate one of the popsicles in desperation one night.
L: Low-calorie, low-sugar, high-protein chocolate ice cream
L was a freelance videographer in the Bay Area, had a Ph.D in education and evangelized about boxing. On more than one occasion he asked if I wanted samples of herbal supplements from the company he worked with, proven to enhance my energy and athletic performance. Boxers loved them, but I declined.
If you think this is a remarkably random assortment of skills and interests, you would be right. His diverse passions were fascinating and his most attractive quality, but they were wildly dissonant with my own.
He came to visit one Saturday; I was late for lunch but he ended up at the wrong Mexican restaurant in the stabbiest part of town. We took a beautiful scenic drive, then back to my apartment.
Before returning he asked what he could pick up and I suggested dessert (of course). He brought a beer for him and this complicated ice cream for me. You could really taste the protein. I never touched it again after he left.